By reason of the size of his male instrument drove her mad with him.

So I was emptying out my junk mail at work the other day and I discovered a treasure trove of male enhancement slogans, much like the one above.

The office has these spam filters that shuttle the obvious junk directly into a folder, so you never even see it in your inbox. So, I happened to glance at my folder list and noticed that there were over 2000 emails in the junk mail folder. Curious, I opened it to discover–in addition to many tempting offers to purchase replica Rolexs and numerous opportunities to play poker and blackjack–the following subject lines (which I have cataloged and categorized for your enjoyment)…

My Personal Favorites
Your penis will make more shadow than a tree.
Women eat their heart out when they see my crazy sized huge brother in my pants!
Super-sized one-eyed monster will live in your pants in New Year!
Good boner for you!

Strangely motivational
We shall lead you to your new life
Your new world is waiting for its leader
Don’t put off your happy life
More delight and enjoyment
Say YES to your new super-abilities!
You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Obsessing on masculinity
We’ll help you to feel more manly!
Welcome to the world of happy and confident men
Fill your nights of love with a true masculine force!
Become a real man increase your instrument.
Bigger size means more masculinity!
Proven method to increase your pure manhood!

What the ladies like…
Girlfriends love big instrument.
Enormous instrument is the fact that all girl like
Enormous male aggregate is the fact that all chick love.
Bratwurst
Satisfy her!
The best gift for your loved one!
Believe us, she will be happy to light upon bigger love stick in your trousers!
Impress your lassie with your new huge schlong!
Make all ladies worship your male package!
The shortest way to a woman’s heart is a longest dic’k!

Medical endorsements
Doctors secretly recommend you this store
Recommended by the best medical industry professionals!

There, there, it’s all right…
Your dic’k size will never arouse a derision!
Forget about mockery at your pen!s size!
Forget about the trouble with your instrument.
You don’t need to envy guys with larger equipments anymore
Dont feel shy of your male instrument size.

Kind of mean or bossy
Prove that you’re not a loser!
Don’t be loser change your male aggregate size
Grow your pen!s up to the necessary size!
Our offer is worth your attention!
Your woman shack up with your mate that’s why you are alone.
Your woman doesn’t admire to do it with you by reason of your male device size.

Happiness and envy
Your friends will envy your new male package!
Few additional inches will make you happier!
Some more inches for your enjoyment!
Get the biggest s’e)x organ in the neighborhood!

The Holiday Season (or perhaps the gift that keeps on giving…)
Real new year present for your willy!
We’ll help you to catch the eye of all women in 2008!
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008!
Forget all your failures! Become a real man in 2008!
Don’t lose this game! Get real hung in year 2008!
Get super-size for your willy on New Year holiday!
Your dik will never be laughed at in year 2008!
Become a super-man in year 2008!
Pen!s enlargement costs less on New Year!
Venture to become a super-lover in 2008!
Your huge boner will impress her in New Year!
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!

Randomly amusing
Have you increased your male aggregate?
Small male aggregate is not a problem
New scientific development for your love wand!
Your new schlong will win more prizes!
Do wilder things with your new big phallus!
Gain the greatest Schlong ever!
Magic transformations of your willy
Give your willy a chance to serve you better!

.

double duty words

I really like nouns that are also verbs, as illustrated in the sentence I just said to our receptionist whilst giving her my netflix envelope and letter for the postman: “I forgot to mail my mail this morning.”

7 unrelated things

1. I love when I actually care how a sporting event turns out and it turns out that way. Not that I’m a big Giants fan, I just find the Patriots annoying. So full of themselves. Also, it was nice for Eli to get out of Peyton’s shadow for a bit. Although, where does that leave Cooper?

2. What was up with that short-sleeved hoodie that Belichick was rocking? What’s the point of that? It’s like wearing a short-sleeved suit jacket or something. If it’s cold enough for a sweatshirt, it’s cold enough for sleeves. Just push the sleeves up like a normal person, dude.

3. The library just notified me that the book I requested is available for pick-up. They provide such amazing service. How great is it that I ask for a book (just fill out a short, online form from the comfort of my home) and they either buy it or get it from another library for me? Use your library, people…

4. I got an iphone this weekend. It may in fact be the coolest thing ever. Every time I look at it I expect it to emit a heavenly glow and for a chorus of angels to start singing…




5. When I was putting on my pants this morning, I noticed that the laundry tag says “Machine wash, gentle cycle, inside out”. What? They are plain, black, cotton, normal pants. What possible harm could befall them via a regular cycle right-side-out washing?




6. I made granola last night, which turned out totally tasty. I put in oats, wheat germ, sunflower seeds, rice krispies, and almonds and sweetened it with honey and maple syrup and brown sugar. It baked up all golden and crunchy and delicious. And, it’s super easy. It’s like dump in ingredients, mix, dump on cookie sheet, bake.
   




7. You know that part of the theme song to The Jeffersons where it goes “fish don’t fry in the kitchen; beans don’t burn on the grill”? What’s that about?

something for everyone

Happy Black History Month everyone. This month is also shared with Library Lovers Month (hooray, libraries!), American Heart Month, Marijuana Awareness Month, National Condom Week, National Children’s Dental Health Month, Pet Dental Health Month, National Hot Breakfast Month, Bake for Family Fun Month, National Bird Feeding Month, International Boost Your Self-Esteem Month, and in Canada, National Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month. And actually lots more.

February also brings us Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Chinese New Year, the Super Bowl, Valentines Day (whatever, made up holiday), the Daytona 500, and the Westminster Dog Show, as well as days to celebrate the births of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, my friend Lady Byron, and little old me.

Trapped in Tennessee

Here’s a leftover from a week or so back. Been slack with the posting of late.

So I’m on my way to DC this AM, and I’m flying Northwest which means a layover in Memphis (you can not fly anywhere directly from Tally, except for South Florida or an airline hub City…Atlanta, Charlotte, Memphis, you know the drill). An aside: How much do I love that the Northwest Airlines planes all say NWA on the side? Every time I see one, I imagine Ice Cube flying it. Old-school jheri curl gansta Ice Cube:

not new, family-friendly Ice Cube:

Anyway, we head off to Memphis as scheduled. We’re about a ½ hour away from landing, and we are told that there is a huge thunderstorm there and no one can land. After circling and wandering around in the sky for a half an hour or so, we are told to divert to Huntsville, AL for refueling. If only I had been headed for Space Camp.

So we land in Huntsville, hang out for 30 minutes or so, get told we can take off, drive about 10 feet in the direction of the runway, get told to never mind, we’re still grounded, and then hang out for 45 more minutes. Oh, also there was no beverage service during the flight. When we got on the plane, the fight attendant announced that due to “unusual circumstances” there would be no beverage service. I just assumed that this meant that the catering truck had failed to show up and stock the plane or something. Which sucked, because I had failed to eat breakfast, assuming I would at least get some peanuts or the equivalent and some water during the flight. Baring that, it’s only a hour flight or so, I would just grab something in Memphis. Sigh…

Anyway, so we had been told there was not beverage service, but once we were stuck on the tarmac, the flight attendant suddenly hauled out the beverage cart and started passing out drinks. So now I’m really curious as to what the “unusual circs” were. Also, still no snacks…

It always sucks to get stuck in a confined space, which this most assuredly was. It was one of those small planes with 2 seats on either side of the aisle and like 20 rows. Very cramped. In the plus column, we lucked out that we had a totally cool pilot. He kept telling us what was going on and giving us updates on the situation as soon as he got them. He also came out and chatted with us, helped the flight attendant serve water, collected all the trash, and even made coffee for some folks. It was nice because by talking to the people face to face and being friendly, it kept anyone from being irate and made our captivity much more pleasant. I love it when people are nice.

So now I’m stuck here in Memphis, and as a result I have that damn Arrested Development song stuck in my head. (I speak of “Tennessee” by the mid-90’s hip hop group, as opposed to the theme song from the awesome TV show.)

So, I’m delayed until 2:50 (it’s now noon) and there is not a soul in this concourse of the airport. It’s really odd. There are at least 7 gates with in my view, and I swear I see only 3 other people sitting around waiting. There aren’t even any staff members at the gates. It’s very disconcerting. See for yourself:

I’m sitting by the window, and it is now sunny as hell outside. You would never know the whole place way shut down due to weather just a couple of hours ago.

I am making the most of my time. I’ve learned that CNN is really does report the same stories over and over. I never watch more than 5 min at a time at home, so I don’t notice. Having it playing in the background for 3 hours or so though, really drives it home. I have heard several times about: various people murdering their children, a murder story from Tally that is getting national press due to a possible serial killer tie-in, Kerry endorsing Obama, and a crane operator who passed out is being rescued in Atlanta…a nothing story about which they are offering extended, minute-by-minute coverage as if it were the white ford bronco chase. (They also keep saying it’s on Peachtree Street, which offers no information as it has been my experience that all streets in Atlanta are called Peachtree.)

Also, via the helpful airport announcements, I now know:

The Treat Level has been raised to “orange” Isn’t always orange?

Smoking is prohibited in the airport except for in 2 restaurants: Maggie O’Shea’s in Concourse A and The Blue Note Café in the passenger connector between concourses A and B.

You should keep track of your luggage and not accept packages from strangers. (As sound advice now as it was when your mama gave it to you as a child.)

Thus armed with knowledge, I am going to take a nap.

there’s something to be said for succinctness

I was looking to see what was on TV tonight and I discovered the following descriptions for tonight’s episode of CSI:

“An entire family is murdered, except for a daughter who may be possessed by the devil. “

Yeah, I would totally watch that. Especially if Lucy and her dad were involved somehow…

Hey Hey Tampa Bay

“It took 32 seasons and 1,865 tries, but the Bucs finally returned a kickoff for a touchdown Sunday.”

That’s right, ya’ll. We’ve won a Superbowl since the dark days of…say all of the 1980’s and 1/2 of the 1990’s, but we’ve never run a kick-off back for a touchdown. That seems so incredible, I mean other teams have done that several times in a season. Alas, the Bucs were never able to until yesterday.

How about a rousing chorus of “Hey Hey Tampa Bay“? The Bucs know how to shine, indeed. (Or, if you prefer a more modern ditty, here is the updated version. Or perhaps you would fancy the hip hop classic (although somewhat dated) “Welcome to Ray Jay“?

Also, how random is it that the same guy who owns the Bucs also owns Manchester United?

America is big, ya’ll

So apparently there are huge dramatic ice storms hitting the midwest. I am unable to comprehend that fact, as it is currently 65 degrees outside (at 9 in the morning, the high is going to be damn near 80). It doesn’t really seem like there should be such divergent weather conditions is the same country.

Although, Florida often feels like part of a completely different nation. More like one in the southern hemisphere, where Christmas is supposed to be warm. We are having our holiday luncheon here at work today…not really feeling the Xmas spirit, weather wise. Hopefully there is some cool headed our way.

Scariest baby shower ever

Is it wrong that when I saw this headline: Friends throw Richie ‘Oz’-themed baby shower

I wanted the theme to be this Oz:rather than this one?
I guess they didn’t want all the “Now there’s a shower where you really don’t want to drop the soap” jokes…

Also, Nicole Richie is annoying. As is her babydaddy.

Did I mention I went to Colorado?

Um, yeah…cause I went to Colorado. Like a month ago at this point, but I finally get around to bringing it up. Never been to the CO before. Nice place. Big Mountains. Here they are from afar:

As compared to the mountains in North Carolina:

.

Some what similar, but the NC mountains are about 5000 ft and the CO ones can get up around 15000 ft, so…not quite the same. Also, I seem to take a lot of photos out the car window.

Anyway, we went up to Rocky Mountain National Park which was lovely but also kind of scary. The road you drive on is quite twisty and there are cliffs that you drive right next to and there is like no guard rail between you and a big drop off a cliff. I’m glad I wasn’t driving…it was nerve wracking enough in the passenger seat.

At any rate, it was raining when we first got there, but it stopped pretty quickly, which enabled us to encounter this ridiculous sight (click on the photo for enlargement):

Yeah, we’re actually looking sort of down at the rainbow. Like we are so high, we’re above the rainbow, or at least on the same level. Here it is in motion:

Also entertaining was the fact that there are elk. Lot’s of elk. Like everywhere. And they pretty much get to go wherever they want. Here they are on a golf course in the middle of downtown Estes Park:

Please note the golfers just casually putting on the green and continuing their round (click on the photo for an enlarged view). Which is noteworthy because just out of the frame of that photo you will find this guy:

Who does not look like he should be trifled with. Nor should his ginormous antlers, for that matter