Trapped in Tennessee

Here’s a leftover from a week or so back. Been slack with the posting of late.

So I’m on my way to DC this AM, and I’m flying Northwest which means a layover in Memphis (you can not fly anywhere directly from Tally, except for South Florida or an airline hub City…Atlanta, Charlotte, Memphis, you know the drill). An aside: How much do I love that the Northwest Airlines planes all say NWA on the side? Every time I see one, I imagine Ice Cube flying it. Old-school jheri curl gansta Ice Cube:

not new, family-friendly Ice Cube:

Anyway, we head off to Memphis as scheduled. We’re about a ½ hour away from landing, and we are told that there is a huge thunderstorm there and no one can land. After circling and wandering around in the sky for a half an hour or so, we are told to divert to Huntsville, AL for refueling. If only I had been headed for Space Camp.

So we land in Huntsville, hang out for 30 minutes or so, get told we can take off, drive about 10 feet in the direction of the runway, get told to never mind, we’re still grounded, and then hang out for 45 more minutes. Oh, also there was no beverage service during the flight. When we got on the plane, the fight attendant announced that due to “unusual circumstances” there would be no beverage service. I just assumed that this meant that the catering truck had failed to show up and stock the plane or something. Which sucked, because I had failed to eat breakfast, assuming I would at least get some peanuts or the equivalent and some water during the flight. Baring that, it’s only a hour flight or so, I would just grab something in Memphis. Sigh…

Anyway, so we had been told there was not beverage service, but once we were stuck on the tarmac, the flight attendant suddenly hauled out the beverage cart and started passing out drinks. So now I’m really curious as to what the “unusual circs” were. Also, still no snacks…

It always sucks to get stuck in a confined space, which this most assuredly was. It was one of those small planes with 2 seats on either side of the aisle and like 20 rows. Very cramped. In the plus column, we lucked out that we had a totally cool pilot. He kept telling us what was going on and giving us updates on the situation as soon as he got them. He also came out and chatted with us, helped the flight attendant serve water, collected all the trash, and even made coffee for some folks. It was nice because by talking to the people face to face and being friendly, it kept anyone from being irate and made our captivity much more pleasant. I love it when people are nice.

So now I’m stuck here in Memphis, and as a result I have that damn Arrested Development song stuck in my head. (I speak of “Tennessee” by the mid-90’s hip hop group, as opposed to the theme song from the awesome TV show.)

So, I’m delayed until 2:50 (it’s now noon) and there is not a soul in this concourse of the airport. It’s really odd. There are at least 7 gates with in my view, and I swear I see only 3 other people sitting around waiting. There aren’t even any staff members at the gates. It’s very disconcerting. See for yourself:

I’m sitting by the window, and it is now sunny as hell outside. You would never know the whole place way shut down due to weather just a couple of hours ago.

I am making the most of my time. I’ve learned that CNN is really does report the same stories over and over. I never watch more than 5 min at a time at home, so I don’t notice. Having it playing in the background for 3 hours or so though, really drives it home. I have heard several times about: various people murdering their children, a murder story from Tally that is getting national press due to a possible serial killer tie-in, Kerry endorsing Obama, and a crane operator who passed out is being rescued in Atlanta…a nothing story about which they are offering extended, minute-by-minute coverage as if it were the white ford bronco chase. (They also keep saying it’s on Peachtree Street, which offers no information as it has been my experience that all streets in Atlanta are called Peachtree.)

Also, via the helpful airport announcements, I now know:

The Treat Level has been raised to “orange” Isn’t always orange?

Smoking is prohibited in the airport except for in 2 restaurants: Maggie O’Shea’s in Concourse A and The Blue Note Café in the passenger connector between concourses A and B.

You should keep track of your luggage and not accept packages from strangers. (As sound advice now as it was when your mama gave it to you as a child.)

Thus armed with knowledge, I am going to take a nap.

an open letter to Jason Lee

Dear Jason,

The Chipmunks? Really?

Sigh.

Look Jason, I’ve been right there with you for a while. Loved Brodie Bruce…to a disturbing degree, come to think of it, considering he was actually kind of a dick. Ditto Banky, a veritable Prince Charming compared to that tool Affleck’s Holden. Loved Skip Skipperton in the little known Mumford (love that Loren Dean as well)…kind of creepy but adorable. Also Puggy in Big Trouble (very odd character, and the hair was disturbing, but he had a good heart). You were the charming guy we were rooting for to get the girl in Kissing a Fool and Heartbreakers (allowing me to ignore the presence of David Schwimmer and Jennifer Love Hewitt respectively). Then you score a big break out role in Almost Famous and ultimately end up as the endlessly charming Earl Hickey. Fine work there, skater boy.

These things engendered a warm feeling and built you a solid base with me, even allowing me to overlook the following: You are a Scientologist.

But now I see you are involved in (nay, starring in) Alvin and the Chipmunks, yet another holiday nightmare that is being inflicted upon us. So much about this whole endeavor is just plain wrongheaded. To wit:

• The Chipmunks were annoying in the 60’s (I cannot change the station fast enough when I hear that Chipmunk Christmas song) and remain so to this day. Why bring that back? What is enjoyable about those super annoying high singing voices? I don’t get it.
• Do we really need another entry into the “frustrated parent figure dealing with mischievous rapscallion-like children” film genre. I know I’m supposed to find the little scamps charming, but I usually just want to smack them.
• I take the same stand I have taken with Scooby-doo, the Grinch, Garfield, and countless others: Cartoons do not need to be remade into live action movies.

Leaving aside all that, Jason, I had just hoped you were better than this. You are the star of a network TV show now, do you really need to do the Chipmunks? And while it is nice to see you all clean-shaven and minus that ubiquitous Burt Reynolds-esque Earl mustache, that’s not enough to get me to see this flick.

A paycheck is a paycheck I guess, and you do have an oddly named child to feed. I just hope little Pilot Inspektor appreciates it…

Where did this name come from?

Black Friday? I ask you all…have you ever heard that term before 2 years ago? I mean, it’s like it sprang up out of nowhere. The same goes for “Cyber Monday” (which is today, by the way, so I wish you all the best in this, the traditional Cyber Monday season). That one I can forgive, because online shopping and merchants caring about it is a relatively new phenomenon, but people shopping on the day after Thanksgiving is a longstanding tradition. But, it was always called “the day after Thanksgiving” not “Black Friday”. My issues with the term are twofold:

1. It’s like giving yourself a nickname. (i.e. Micheal Jackson, he’s not called “The King of Pop” as he decided he should be. He’s called “the self-proclaimed King of Pop” or by the more honestly come by nicknames like Wacko Jacko…) I realize that these sobriquets have to start somewhere. I’m not opposed to coining new terms, per se. What I object to is everyone acting like this is not a new term. It’s like someone using the term “bling” back in the late 90’s, then being all like, “what, that’s been a thing forever. You’ve never heard that term before? That’s totally how Marie Antoinette referred to her jewelry…”
2. You can’t just take something that has historically meant something bad and change that meaning to the exact opposite. Black Monday has already staked out this territory, and that is known far and wide as an extremely bad day. (I was just thinking of the stock market thing, but there are also all of these…who knew? Also, please note…all bad) Yet we’re supposed to infer that while Black Monday is bad, Black Friday is somehow good? (Also note in this list, one good…many bad).

This rant actually has no purpose other than I’ve been hearing the term relentlessly for days now and it’s been bugging the crap out of me. It’s at least out of my system for another year I guess.

Strike

So, I’m finally getting around to commenting about the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA) strike. It’s now day 10, and I hope more progress is being made behind the scenes that what I’m hearing, but I doubt it.

First, I feel eminently qualified to comment on the matter. Not because I have any real knowledge of the subject or anything, but just because I love me some TV. I am a huge consumer of their product and it pains me that soon there will be nothing but news, reruns, and crappy reality shows available for my viewing pleasure. (Thank God for Project Runway. And there is my guilty pleasure of America’s Next Top Model…although the reality shows (especially that one) actually screwed over the writers early on.

Anyway, my position on the strike can be summarized as follows: Go writers. It seems undeniably clear that the studios are trying to completely cheat the writers out of fair revenue from the new media formats…much the same way they did with video rights back in the day. This video offers up the clearest description of the issues that I’ve found, all in a concise 4 minute package:

It’s also interesting that the AMPTP (Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, or the Darth Vader of this piece) is using the lame argument that the full episodes of shows that are available online are simply “promotional” materials. This is complete bullshit. Aside from the fact that they sell ads for these online versions, the web has clearly become a legitimate outlet for television shows. I know lots of people who watch certain shows exclusively online. Whether it’s because all their watching/recording slots for a particular time are filled with higher priority shows, because their Tivo or DVR malfunctioned, or simply because they’re looking for a way to kill some time at work is immaterial…shows are being watched and writers are not being paid. Same deal with iTunes, people are paying for those shows. It’s no different that buying a DVD (another market in which the writers make almost nothing). The irony is that the people who watch shows on the net or buy them from iTunes are exactly the people that the networks want watching their shows…young, early adopters with free time and disposable income.

The actors/writers from The Office (many of the people on that show wear both hats) make some excellent points here:

There are also countless writers blogging about their strike experiences. I’ve been enjoying this one (and not just because he uses the same blogger template as me…). You can also check out the WGA’s site or the unofficial United Hollywood one, where you can sign a petition.

As I’ve said, I have no vested interest in the strike, other than that of any other average TV viewer. I can’t imagine being on strike. Basically, you quit your job and take on a new job that offers no pay, is physically demanding, and can be totally demoralizing as the situation wears on. That has got to be tough. So, I offer my moral support. Good luck to you.

Dare to enter the bermuda wang…

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that’s America’s wang!
Doctor: They prefer, “The Sunshine State.”

So I’m in Orlando for a work meeting. I don’t really care for Orlando much. Happiest place on earth my ass. The main thing I hate is my sudden and complete inability to navigate when I arrive. I have a good sense of direction. I’m generally able to get where I’m going without incident and with minimal effort. Not in Orlando. It’s like everything in the place is protected by some sort of cloaking technology that prevents you from locating it. I think whatever it is that causes all the confusion in the Bermuda Triangle can also been found in abundance in the greater Orlando metropolitan area.

One of the main problems is a complete disregard for the highway naming conventions observed by the rest of the U.S. To wit, odd numbered highways go north and south, even numbers run east and west. I-4…not so much.

As you can see here, the road does go nominally east/west:

It’s the red line going from the Atlantic coast to the Gulf coast (or vice versa)

But notice that it is also moving decidedly north/south.

Let’s observe I-4 more closely as it meanders through O-town:

I-4 is that big red line running vertically through the map…does that say “east/west” to you?

Or how about this one. Note how I-4 runs perpendicular to the East-West Expressway.

Anyway, this complete disregard for the accepted norms is but one of Orlando’s problems. It is full of tons of annoying stuff like:

• Toll roads. Everything is a toll road. Drive 50 yards, pay a toll
• The tourists. The mouse draws so many tourists
• The Conventioneers. I think Orlando hosts more conferences than anywhere in the world. The Conference Center is enormous

In general, Orlando is a frightening place. It’s a mysterious spawning ground that gives rise to boy bands and mousketeers. It’s the home of Celebration. It has a Christian theme park. It’s a weird place.

Also, I love staying in hotels, but we are in this complete shithole which features doors that open onto the parking lot (which I think technically makes it a motel), rooms that reek of mildew, and sheets that don’t fit properly on the bed so if you toss and turn a bit (like I do) you will awaken (as I did) to find the fitted sheet pulled loose from the mattress corners, said sheet and mattress pad bunched up underneath you, and your face dangerously close the the bare mattress. Also: unsatisfying pillows (although in fairness, I am fussy about pillows), an air-conditioner with settings that are limited to “freezing” or “off”, bad lighting, poorly located outlets, and a decidedly sketchy clientele. I’m so ready to check out and head northward on the Turnpike.

Of course, I have to come back down here again on Wednesday for a conference. Maybe there really is no escape.

An open letter to Ben Stiller

Dear Ben,

I want to like you. I’ve always kind of liked you. I enjoyed the Ben Stiller Show back in the day (even if you are partially responsible for launching Andy Dick upon an unsuspecting world). I loved Tony Wonder (I miss you still, Arrested Development). I very much liked Zoolander, Dodgeball, and of course the sublime The Royal Tenenbaums (although, truth be told, I fear my enjoyment of the latter two may have been in spite of rather than because of you.) So I say this from a place not of hatred or malice, but from one of wanting the best for you…It’s time to make another movie.

And I know you have a new movie coming out. Tomorrow in fact. The Heartbreak Kid. A Farrelly Brothers vehicle, with all that implies (don’t even get me started on on those two.) I speak not of an actual new movie, but a metaphoric new movie. A different movie. Not the same movie you have now made more than ten times (a generous estimation, it’s actually probably many more).

I speak of the movie in which you play a long suffering, neurotic, ineffectual man with a severe anger problem. Hey Ben…why so angry?

You were angry at Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball and Gene Hackman in The Royal Tenenbaums. You were angry at Jack Black in Envy and at an old lady in Duplex. You’ve been angry in big hits (There’s Something About Mary) and Frat Pack films (Anchorman). You always seem to be mad at Owen Wilson (Starsky & Hutch, Night at the Museum, Meet the Parents). You were really mad at that monkey (Night at the Museum). You were even mad as a guest star (Friends, the whole plot of the episode was “man, that guy Rachel is dating is really angry”) You actually played a superhero who’s superpower was getting angry (Mystery Men, he was called Mr. Furious for goodness sake).

Ever here of a thing called “typecasting,” Ben? Here’s what Wikipedia tells us:

“Central casting often exhibits a pattern of placing an actor in subsequent similar character roles after his or her first success, especially if an actor is particularly well-received in that role by the audience or by critics. Typecasting happens to actors of both great and modest ability: an actor may become typecast either because of a strong identification with a particular role or because he or she lacks the versatility or talent to move on to other roles. Some actors welcome the steady work that typecasting brings, but in general it is seen as undesirable.”

I’m pretty sure you’re doing o.k. financially, Ben. In addition to this acting gig, you also direct and produce. You don’t need to fret over the need for “steady work”.

Perhaps your repeated performance of the same, actually quite-annoying-and-unpleasant-to-watch character is largely responsible for this dubious distinction (a trivia fact from your IMDB profile):

Holds a distinct Razzie Award record – nominated for most titles in one year. He was nominated in 2004 for Worst Actor in five of the six films in which he appeared: Along Came Polly (2004), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004), Envy (2004), and Starsky & Hutch (2004). The only film he was not nominated in for that year was Meet the Fockers (2004).

I know you are yelling and fuming all the way to the bank, but you could do more. Branch out, dude. I’m not say you have to go all Your Friends & Neighbors or Permanent Midnight, but branch out a little. Stick with the Frat Boys or Apatow or McKay or whoever, just ask to play the nice guy, or the funny guy, or the happy-go-lucky neighbor guy. Eschew the angry guy, just once. See how it goes.

google is weird

Ok, I have extolled the virtues of the Urban Dictionary Word of the Day here before. I was checking it out the other day and the word of the day was:

Undie

An abbreviation for underground hip-hop. Originally conceived as a soundalike alternative to “indie,” which signifies fey boys with jangly guitars.

Undie is the straight shit, brah. The radio is wack.

basically it means “underground indie” (underground + diminutive of independent).to designate a band which works under the “diy” (do it yourself) theory.”

(Please note that the random punctuation in the above is pasted straight from the site. They are not so much for the proof reading over there…)

Anyway, whatever. Not a particularly interesting entry…some days are better than others for the word of the day. I bring it up for this reason: I was viewing the entry via my gmail account. You know how uncle google is constantly montering your messages and providing you with those targeted ads (on the right side of the page) based on the subject of your messages? (and if you didn’t know that, you should because that is totally what’s happening.) Well, these are a couple of the ads it selected based on the message containing the above definition:

Gay Underwear-Today’s Top Choices for Gay Underwear
Men’s Modern Underwear

Ok, several things:

1. What makes underwear gay?
2. Modern underwear? As opposed to like union suits or something?
3. Why only men’s underwear ads? Nothing for the ladies?

Anyway, I find the whole magically appearing topically related ads disturbing anyway. You have a password so people can’t read your email, but google seems to be just kicking back browsing through everybody’s business. And I realize that it’s a computer recognizing words in the text, not an actual little google minion sitting in a back room hunched over a computer chain smoking and reading emails 20 hours a day, but still. Eyes on your own papers, people.

These damn kids…

Ok, here’s the part where I sound like a crotchety old lady. I love fall. In fact, I think tomorrow I may pontificate and enumerate the many reasons why fall in Tally is tops. But, there is one aspect of fall that totally blows…the students. All the damn students. They are everywhere. Classes start on Monday at the 3, count ‘em THREE institutions of higher ed here in our fair city. Two universities and a community college totaling a population of almost 65,000 students. Which doesn’t seem that bad, until you take into account that you are adding that many folks into a city population of only 270,000 or so (of which only 175,000-ish live in the city, the rest dwell in unincorporated Leon County) The point is…that’s a lot of new bodies crammed into my personal space. Again, they are everywhere. Standing in line in restaurants, buying giant things of toilet paper and plastic milk crates and poster frames with their parents at Target and Wal Mart, shopping at Publix for beer and ramen and mac and cheese, and just driving, driving, driving (causing noticeably increased and annoying traffic) all over the place. Sigh. Like I said…crotchety.

decline and fall of civilized society (chapter 2)

So we had a hellacious storm yesterday and the power was knocked out here and there. When this happens, I am sometimes forced to once again face my old nemesis, the 4-way stop. Actually, that’s not right. The 4-way stop is not my nemesis. I love the 4-way stop. It’s so civilized, everyone takes turns, it’s lovely. I think it should be all 4-way stops and roundabouts all the time. No, my actual nemesis is all those damn people who don’t know what do when a traffic light is out. Morons.

When a traffic light is not functioning, it is supposed to be treated as if it were a 4-way stop. Everyone approaches the intersection, stops, and then proceeds according to turn. Usually, this seems to go ok when the intersection looks like this:

But not so much when the intersection looks like this:

I encountered this little scenario recently. The light was out at an intersection just like this one, where lanes 1- 13 comprise a major thoroughfare through town, while lanes 14-17 are side roads that lead to popular shopping centers and off-the-main-road-shortcuts. Obviously, there is quite a bit of traffic in both directions. Actually, it’s really a bigger intersection that the picture shows. I just got bored with drawing it. I think there are actually 5 lanes on the bottom right, so that would be 11, 12, 13, 13a, and 13b.

But, I digress. My point is…it’s still a 4-way stop people. Just because normally more than one car gets to go through the intersection in the 1-13 direction doesn’t mean that is still the case when the light is out. You still treat it like a 4-way stop. Approach the intersection. Stop. Let the cars from the other direction go. Then you go. Not rocket science people…

Sometimes, I’m not very nice

Is it wrong that I really want someone to go all Tonya Harding upside Barry Bonds’ knee so that he can’t break Hank Aaron’s home run record? Because I really, really do.

Also, Michael Vick should be set upon by a pack of wild dogs.