By reason of the size of his male instrument drove her mad with him.

So I was emptying out my junk mail at work the other day and I discovered a treasure trove of male enhancement slogans, much like the one above.

The office has these spam filters that shuttle the obvious junk directly into a folder, so you never even see it in your inbox. So, I happened to glance at my folder list and noticed that there were over 2000 emails in the junk mail folder. Curious, I opened it to discover–in addition to many tempting offers to purchase replica Rolexs and numerous opportunities to play poker and blackjack–the following subject lines (which I have cataloged and categorized for your enjoyment)…

My Personal Favorites
Your penis will make more shadow than a tree.
Women eat their heart out when they see my crazy sized huge brother in my pants!
Super-sized one-eyed monster will live in your pants in New Year!
Good boner for you!

Strangely motivational
We shall lead you to your new life
Your new world is waiting for its leader
Don’t put off your happy life
More delight and enjoyment
Say YES to your new super-abilities!
You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Obsessing on masculinity
We’ll help you to feel more manly!
Welcome to the world of happy and confident men
Fill your nights of love with a true masculine force!
Become a real man increase your instrument.
Bigger size means more masculinity!
Proven method to increase your pure manhood!

What the ladies like…
Girlfriends love big instrument.
Enormous instrument is the fact that all girl like
Enormous male aggregate is the fact that all chick love.
Bratwurst
Satisfy her!
The best gift for your loved one!
Believe us, she will be happy to light upon bigger love stick in your trousers!
Impress your lassie with your new huge schlong!
Make all ladies worship your male package!
The shortest way to a woman’s heart is a longest dic’k!

Medical endorsements
Doctors secretly recommend you this store
Recommended by the best medical industry professionals!

There, there, it’s all right…
Your dic’k size will never arouse a derision!
Forget about mockery at your pen!s size!
Forget about the trouble with your instrument.
You don’t need to envy guys with larger equipments anymore
Dont feel shy of your male instrument size.

Kind of mean or bossy
Prove that you’re not a loser!
Don’t be loser change your male aggregate size
Grow your pen!s up to the necessary size!
Our offer is worth your attention!
Your woman shack up with your mate that’s why you are alone.
Your woman doesn’t admire to do it with you by reason of your male device size.

Happiness and envy
Your friends will envy your new male package!
Few additional inches will make you happier!
Some more inches for your enjoyment!
Get the biggest s’e)x organ in the neighborhood!

The Holiday Season (or perhaps the gift that keeps on giving…)
Real new year present for your willy!
We’ll help you to catch the eye of all women in 2008!
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008!
Forget all your failures! Become a real man in 2008!
Don’t lose this game! Get real hung in year 2008!
Get super-size for your willy on New Year holiday!
Your dik will never be laughed at in year 2008!
Become a super-man in year 2008!
Pen!s enlargement costs less on New Year!
Venture to become a super-lover in 2008!
Your huge boner will impress her in New Year!
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!

Randomly amusing
Have you increased your male aggregate?
Small male aggregate is not a problem
New scientific development for your love wand!
Your new schlong will win more prizes!
Do wilder things with your new big phallus!
Gain the greatest Schlong ever!
Magic transformations of your willy
Give your willy a chance to serve you better!

.

double duty words

I really like nouns that are also verbs, as illustrated in the sentence I just said to our receptionist whilst giving her my netflix envelope and letter for the postman: “I forgot to mail my mail this morning.”

What rhymes with orange?

So I learned today that the term for words that have no rhyme is “refractory rhyme”, which I kind of like because the definition of “refractory” is: stubbornly disobedient; unmanageable. Anyway, I always heard “orange” used as the classic example of a word without a rhyme, but there are actually a lot of others. Among the words listed, I find it interesting that silver and purple are also on the list…what’s up with the non-rhyming colors? That seems odd.

I also particularly like the following sentence, used to illustrate that although there is no perfect rhyme for the word “engine”, there are a number of near rhymes: “To my chagrin I said to my conjoined twin: ‘the tin engine caused quite a din as the wheels did spin, screeching like a violin.’”

On another, tangentially related note…when writing the above I was once again annoyed by the issues raised when using quotation marks and commas/periods. In the first sentence above, for example, should it be “refractory rhyme”, or “refractory rhyme,” ? The answer seems to be that in the US, it should be the later, but the UK advocates the former. Since I have always thought that the comma/period inside the quotation marks 1) makes no sense and 2) disturbs by sense of symmetry, I am going with the other side of the pond on this one. It was their language first, you know…