an open letter to Jason Lee

Dear Jason,

The Chipmunks? Really?

Sigh.

Look Jason, I’ve been right there with you for a while. Loved Brodie Bruce…to a disturbing degree, come to think of it, considering he was actually kind of a dick. Ditto Banky, a veritable Prince Charming compared to that tool Affleck’s Holden. Loved Skip Skipperton in the little known Mumford (love that Loren Dean as well)…kind of creepy but adorable. Also Puggy in Big Trouble (very odd character, and the hair was disturbing, but he had a good heart). You were the charming guy we were rooting for to get the girl in Kissing a Fool and Heartbreakers (allowing me to ignore the presence of David Schwimmer and Jennifer Love Hewitt respectively). Then you score a big break out role in Almost Famous and ultimately end up as the endlessly charming Earl Hickey. Fine work there, skater boy.

These things engendered a warm feeling and built you a solid base with me, even allowing me to overlook the following: You are a Scientologist.

But now I see you are involved in (nay, starring in) Alvin and the Chipmunks, yet another holiday nightmare that is being inflicted upon us. So much about this whole endeavor is just plain wrongheaded. To wit:

• The Chipmunks were annoying in the 60’s (I cannot change the station fast enough when I hear that Chipmunk Christmas song) and remain so to this day. Why bring that back? What is enjoyable about those super annoying high singing voices? I don’t get it.
• Do we really need another entry into the “frustrated parent figure dealing with mischievous rapscallion-like children” film genre. I know I’m supposed to find the little scamps charming, but I usually just want to smack them.
• I take the same stand I have taken with Scooby-doo, the Grinch, Garfield, and countless others: Cartoons do not need to be remade into live action movies.

Leaving aside all that, Jason, I had just hoped you were better than this. You are the star of a network TV show now, do you really need to do the Chipmunks? And while it is nice to see you all clean-shaven and minus that ubiquitous Burt Reynolds-esque Earl mustache, that’s not enough to get me to see this flick.

A paycheck is a paycheck I guess, and you do have an oddly named child to feed. I just hope little Pilot Inspektor appreciates it…

An open letter to Ben Stiller

Dear Ben,

I want to like you. I’ve always kind of liked you. I enjoyed the Ben Stiller Show back in the day (even if you are partially responsible for launching Andy Dick upon an unsuspecting world). I loved Tony Wonder (I miss you still, Arrested Development). I very much liked Zoolander, Dodgeball, and of course the sublime The Royal Tenenbaums (although, truth be told, I fear my enjoyment of the latter two may have been in spite of rather than because of you.) So I say this from a place not of hatred or malice, but from one of wanting the best for you…It’s time to make another movie.

And I know you have a new movie coming out. Tomorrow in fact. The Heartbreak Kid. A Farrelly Brothers vehicle, with all that implies (don’t even get me started on on those two.) I speak not of an actual new movie, but a metaphoric new movie. A different movie. Not the same movie you have now made more than ten times (a generous estimation, it’s actually probably many more).

I speak of the movie in which you play a long suffering, neurotic, ineffectual man with a severe anger problem. Hey Ben…why so angry?

You were angry at Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball and Gene Hackman in The Royal Tenenbaums. You were angry at Jack Black in Envy and at an old lady in Duplex. You’ve been angry in big hits (There’s Something About Mary) and Frat Pack films (Anchorman). You always seem to be mad at Owen Wilson (Starsky & Hutch, Night at the Museum, Meet the Parents). You were really mad at that monkey (Night at the Museum). You were even mad as a guest star (Friends, the whole plot of the episode was “man, that guy Rachel is dating is really angry”) You actually played a superhero who’s superpower was getting angry (Mystery Men, he was called Mr. Furious for goodness sake).

Ever here of a thing called “typecasting,” Ben? Here’s what Wikipedia tells us:

“Central casting often exhibits a pattern of placing an actor in subsequent similar character roles after his or her first success, especially if an actor is particularly well-received in that role by the audience or by critics. Typecasting happens to actors of both great and modest ability: an actor may become typecast either because of a strong identification with a particular role or because he or she lacks the versatility or talent to move on to other roles. Some actors welcome the steady work that typecasting brings, but in general it is seen as undesirable.”

I’m pretty sure you’re doing o.k. financially, Ben. In addition to this acting gig, you also direct and produce. You don’t need to fret over the need for “steady work”.

Perhaps your repeated performance of the same, actually quite-annoying-and-unpleasant-to-watch character is largely responsible for this dubious distinction (a trivia fact from your IMDB profile):

Holds a distinct Razzie Award record – nominated for most titles in one year. He was nominated in 2004 for Worst Actor in five of the six films in which he appeared: Along Came Polly (2004), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004), Envy (2004), and Starsky & Hutch (2004). The only film he was not nominated in for that year was Meet the Fockers (2004).

I know you are yelling and fuming all the way to the bank, but you could do more. Branch out, dude. I’m not say you have to go all Your Friends & Neighbors or Permanent Midnight, but branch out a little. Stick with the Frat Boys or Apatow or McKay or whoever, just ask to play the nice guy, or the funny guy, or the happy-go-lucky neighbor guy. Eschew the angry guy, just once. See how it goes.