bless their hearts…

This is the reason we had a mercy rule in elementary school P.E. games…

By reason of the size of his male instrument drove her mad with him.

So I was emptying out my junk mail at work the other day and I discovered a treasure trove of male enhancement slogans, much like the one above.

The office has these spam filters that shuttle the obvious junk directly into a folder, so you never even see it in your inbox. So, I happened to glance at my folder list and noticed that there were over 2000 emails in the junk mail folder. Curious, I opened it to discover–in addition to many tempting offers to purchase replica Rolexs and numerous opportunities to play poker and blackjack–the following subject lines (which I have cataloged and categorized for your enjoyment)…

My Personal Favorites
Your penis will make more shadow than a tree.
Women eat their heart out when they see my crazy sized huge brother in my pants!
Super-sized one-eyed monster will live in your pants in New Year!
Good boner for you!

Strangely motivational
We shall lead you to your new life
Your new world is waiting for its leader
Don’t put off your happy life
More delight and enjoyment
Say YES to your new super-abilities!
You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Obsessing on masculinity
We’ll help you to feel more manly!
Welcome to the world of happy and confident men
Fill your nights of love with a true masculine force!
Become a real man increase your instrument.
Bigger size means more masculinity!
Proven method to increase your pure manhood!

What the ladies like…
Girlfriends love big instrument.
Enormous instrument is the fact that all girl like
Enormous male aggregate is the fact that all chick love.
Bratwurst
Satisfy her!
The best gift for your loved one!
Believe us, she will be happy to light upon bigger love stick in your trousers!
Impress your lassie with your new huge schlong!
Make all ladies worship your male package!
The shortest way to a woman’s heart is a longest dic’k!

Medical endorsements
Doctors secretly recommend you this store
Recommended by the best medical industry professionals!

There, there, it’s all right…
Your dic’k size will never arouse a derision!
Forget about mockery at your pen!s size!
Forget about the trouble with your instrument.
You don’t need to envy guys with larger equipments anymore
Dont feel shy of your male instrument size.

Kind of mean or bossy
Prove that you’re not a loser!
Don’t be loser change your male aggregate size
Grow your pen!s up to the necessary size!
Our offer is worth your attention!
Your woman shack up with your mate that’s why you are alone.
Your woman doesn’t admire to do it with you by reason of your male device size.

Happiness and envy
Your friends will envy your new male package!
Few additional inches will make you happier!
Some more inches for your enjoyment!
Get the biggest s’e)x organ in the neighborhood!

The Holiday Season (or perhaps the gift that keeps on giving…)
Real new year present for your willy!
We’ll help you to catch the eye of all women in 2008!
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008!
Forget all your failures! Become a real man in 2008!
Don’t lose this game! Get real hung in year 2008!
Get super-size for your willy on New Year holiday!
Your dik will never be laughed at in year 2008!
Become a super-man in year 2008!
Pen!s enlargement costs less on New Year!
Venture to become a super-lover in 2008!
Your huge boner will impress her in New Year!
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!

Randomly amusing
Have you increased your male aggregate?
Small male aggregate is not a problem
New scientific development for your love wand!
Your new schlong will win more prizes!
Do wilder things with your new big phallus!
Gain the greatest Schlong ever!
Magic transformations of your willy
Give your willy a chance to serve you better!

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double duty words

I really like nouns that are also verbs, as illustrated in the sentence I just said to our receptionist whilst giving her my netflix envelope and letter for the postman: “I forgot to mail my mail this morning.”

rollerblades are clearly the answer…

Ok, so I just read this article about the problems they’re having with the Olympic torch relay, which is currently passing through London and Paris. Apparently the theme of the relay is “Journey of Harmony”, which doesn’t really seem to be the case, what with the protesters trying to snatch it away and douse it with fire extinguishers and what not. To wit:

Only weather has previously succeeded in snuffing out the Olympic flame, just twice in its history. Today French officials managed it three times. continued…

My favorite part of the whole escapade is the security plan devised by the Paris police:

The plan was for the torchbearers to be encircled by several hundred officers, some in riot police vehicles and on motorcycles, others on rollerblades and on foot. Closest to the torchbearer would be the Chinese torch escorts, with Paris police on rollerblades moving around them. French firefighters in jogging shoes would encircle the rollerbladers, while motorcycle police would form the outer layer of security.

I love the sound of this plan, and I think police on rollerblades is an idea that should be deployed much more often…

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chopsticks are fun!

Here’s a chop stick wrapper I got the other day:

Allow me to call your attention to the prose:

Click to enlarge

The translators did much better on the instructions on the flipside.

Click to enlarge

But, when I went back to that restaurant recently, they seem to have switched brands, offering these clearly inferior picture only instructions which are unclear at best and also no fun. Sigh…

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Church sign

“Forbidden fruit creates a lot of jams.”

Mmm…forbidden jam…

Sent from my iPhone

Things I’ve Learned: Wilhelm Scream

It’s been quite the educational week…

Have you ever noticed a familiar sounding scream in a movie? Did it sound like this?

That’s the Wilhelm Scream, popping up in movies since 1951. Lots of movies. Star Wars seems to be responsible for its re-popularization and apparently it’s a big in-joke amongst sound editors.

The suspected screamer is Sheb Wooley. (Also responsible for the Purple People Eater.) Entertaining.

Check out this Short film on it’s history.

It’s a totally weird sounding scream, though.

Things I’ve Learned: Bespoke

Bespoke is the British equivalent of “custom made”. You can get bespoke shoes, or bespoke suits (ideally from Savile Row), or bespoke software. Excellent term.

something for everyone

Happy Black History Month everyone. This month is also shared with Library Lovers Month (hooray, libraries!), American Heart Month, Marijuana Awareness Month, National Condom Week, National Children’s Dental Health Month, Pet Dental Health Month, National Hot Breakfast Month, Bake for Family Fun Month, National Bird Feeding Month, International Boost Your Self-Esteem Month, and in Canada, National Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month. And actually lots more.

February also brings us Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Chinese New Year, the Super Bowl, Valentines Day (whatever, made up holiday), the Daytona 500, and the Westminster Dog Show, as well as days to celebrate the births of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, my friend Lady Byron, and little old me.

and then there were 2…

So Edwards is out, which kind of sucks because I really liked him. Especially his stance on poverty issues. Although, I really like all 3 of the democratic front runners. Ideally, I would have liked to combine the 3 of them into one super-candidate because I like parts of each one. Edwards seems to have a lot of substantive issues, he’s from the south and is very “electable” (whatever that means). Hillary has experience (and also comes with Bill as part of the package). Obama has the charisma and energy and momentum to bring change. We need to elect Jorackary Edamaton, or Hillohnarack Oclintwards. Or Al Gore.