By reason of the size of his male instrument drove her mad with him.

So I was emptying out my junk mail at work the other day and I discovered a treasure trove of male enhancement slogans, much like the one above.

The office has these spam filters that shuttle the obvious junk directly into a folder, so you never even see it in your inbox. So, I happened to glance at my folder list and noticed that there were over 2000 emails in the junk mail folder. Curious, I opened it to discover–in addition to many tempting offers to purchase replica Rolexs and numerous opportunities to play poker and blackjack–the following subject lines (which I have cataloged and categorized for your enjoyment)…

My Personal Favorites
Your penis will make more shadow than a tree.
Women eat their heart out when they see my crazy sized huge brother in my pants!
Super-sized one-eyed monster will live in your pants in New Year!
Good boner for you!

Strangely motivational
We shall lead you to your new life
Your new world is waiting for its leader
Don’t put off your happy life
More delight and enjoyment
Say YES to your new super-abilities!
You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Obsessing on masculinity
We’ll help you to feel more manly!
Welcome to the world of happy and confident men
Fill your nights of love with a true masculine force!
Become a real man increase your instrument.
Bigger size means more masculinity!
Proven method to increase your pure manhood!

What the ladies like…
Girlfriends love big instrument.
Enormous instrument is the fact that all girl like
Enormous male aggregate is the fact that all chick love.
Bratwurst
Satisfy her!
The best gift for your loved one!
Believe us, she will be happy to light upon bigger love stick in your trousers!
Impress your lassie with your new huge schlong!
Make all ladies worship your male package!
The shortest way to a woman’s heart is a longest dic’k!

Medical endorsements
Doctors secretly recommend you this store
Recommended by the best medical industry professionals!

There, there, it’s all right…
Your dic’k size will never arouse a derision!
Forget about mockery at your pen!s size!
Forget about the trouble with your instrument.
You don’t need to envy guys with larger equipments anymore
Dont feel shy of your male instrument size.

Kind of mean or bossy
Prove that you’re not a loser!
Don’t be loser change your male aggregate size
Grow your pen!s up to the necessary size!
Our offer is worth your attention!
Your woman shack up with your mate that’s why you are alone.
Your woman doesn’t admire to do it with you by reason of your male device size.

Happiness and envy
Your friends will envy your new male package!
Few additional inches will make you happier!
Some more inches for your enjoyment!
Get the biggest s’e)x organ in the neighborhood!

The Holiday Season (or perhaps the gift that keeps on giving…)
Real new year present for your willy!
We’ll help you to catch the eye of all women in 2008!
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008!
Forget all your failures! Become a real man in 2008!
Don’t lose this game! Get real hung in year 2008!
Get super-size for your willy on New Year holiday!
Your dik will never be laughed at in year 2008!
Become a super-man in year 2008!
Pen!s enlargement costs less on New Year!
Venture to become a super-lover in 2008!
Your huge boner will impress her in New Year!
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!

Randomly amusing
Have you increased your male aggregate?
Small male aggregate is not a problem
New scientific development for your love wand!
Your new schlong will win more prizes!
Do wilder things with your new big phallus!
Gain the greatest Schlong ever!
Magic transformations of your willy
Give your willy a chance to serve you better!

.

Dare to enter the bermuda wang…

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that’s America’s wang!
Doctor: They prefer, “The Sunshine State.”

So I’m in Orlando for a work meeting. I don’t really care for Orlando much. Happiest place on earth my ass. The main thing I hate is my sudden and complete inability to navigate when I arrive. I have a good sense of direction. I’m generally able to get where I’m going without incident and with minimal effort. Not in Orlando. It’s like everything in the place is protected by some sort of cloaking technology that prevents you from locating it. I think whatever it is that causes all the confusion in the Bermuda Triangle can also been found in abundance in the greater Orlando metropolitan area.

One of the main problems is a complete disregard for the highway naming conventions observed by the rest of the U.S. To wit, odd numbered highways go north and south, even numbers run east and west. I-4…not so much.

As you can see here, the road does go nominally east/west:

It’s the red line going from the Atlantic coast to the Gulf coast (or vice versa)

But notice that it is also moving decidedly north/south.

Let’s observe I-4 more closely as it meanders through O-town:

I-4 is that big red line running vertically through the map…does that say “east/west” to you?

Or how about this one. Note how I-4 runs perpendicular to the East-West Expressway.

Anyway, this complete disregard for the accepted norms is but one of Orlando’s problems. It is full of tons of annoying stuff like:

• Toll roads. Everything is a toll road. Drive 50 yards, pay a toll
• The tourists. The mouse draws so many tourists
• The Conventioneers. I think Orlando hosts more conferences than anywhere in the world. The Conference Center is enormous

In general, Orlando is a frightening place. It’s a mysterious spawning ground that gives rise to boy bands and mousketeers. It’s the home of Celebration. It has a Christian theme park. It’s a weird place.

Also, I love staying in hotels, but we are in this complete shithole which features doors that open onto the parking lot (which I think technically makes it a motel), rooms that reek of mildew, and sheets that don’t fit properly on the bed so if you toss and turn a bit (like I do) you will awaken (as I did) to find the fitted sheet pulled loose from the mattress corners, said sheet and mattress pad bunched up underneath you, and your face dangerously close the the bare mattress. Also: unsatisfying pillows (although in fairness, I am fussy about pillows), an air-conditioner with settings that are limited to “freezing” or “off”, bad lighting, poorly located outlets, and a decidedly sketchy clientele. I’m so ready to check out and head northward on the Turnpike.

Of course, I have to come back down here again on Wednesday for a conference. Maybe there really is no escape.