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This is the reason we had a mercy rule in elementary school P.E. games…

Mars has 2 moons Phobos and Deimos. Both were discovered in 1877 by Asaph Hall. Mars is the Roman god of war, called Ares by the Greeks. Ares had 2 sons by Aphrodite, named…you guessed it, Phobos and Deimos.

Phobos means panic/fear and Deimos means terror/dread. The sons were close companions of their father, always depicted as driving his chariot and assisting him on the battlefield. See for yourself:

“[Ares] ordered Phobos (Fear) and Deimos (Terror) to harness his horses, and himself got into his shining armour.” – Homer, Iliad 15.110

“Ares drove these [warriors] on … and Deimos (Terror) drove them, and Phobos (Fear), and Eris (Hate) whose wrath is relentless, she the sister and companion of murderous Ares.” – Homer, Iliad 4.436

It’s a little annoying that the planet has the Roman name and the moons the Greek…but I’m willing to let it slide, because I like the concept of naming the moons after the sons of the planet’s namesake. Moons are like the planet’s children, after all. And I like the poetry of it all, that in life and literature and astronomy, war is always accompanied by fear and terror.

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So I was emptying out my junk mail at work the other day and I discovered a treasure trove of male enhancement slogans, much like the one above.

The office has these spam filters that shuttle the obvious junk directly into a folder, so you never even see it in your inbox. So, I happened to glance at my folder list and noticed that there were over 2000 emails in the junk mail folder. Curious, I opened it to discover–in addition to many tempting offers to purchase replica Rolexs and numerous opportunities to play poker and blackjack–the following subject lines (which I have cataloged and categorized for your enjoyment)…

My Personal Favorites
Your penis will make more shadow than a tree.
Women eat their heart out when they see my crazy sized huge brother in my pants!
Super-sized one-eyed monster will live in your pants in New Year!
Good boner for you!

Strangely motivational
We shall lead you to your new life
Your new world is waiting for its leader
Don’t put off your happy life
More delight and enjoyment
Say YES to your new super-abilities!
You will be a king of bed surely enough.

Obsessing on masculinity
We’ll help you to feel more manly!
Welcome to the world of happy and confident men
Fill your nights of love with a true masculine force!
Become a real man increase your instrument.
Bigger size means more masculinity!
Proven method to increase your pure manhood!

What the ladies like…
Girlfriends love big instrument.
Enormous instrument is the fact that all girl like
Enormous male aggregate is the fact that all chick love.
Bratwurst
Satisfy her!
The best gift for your loved one!
Believe us, she will be happy to light upon bigger love stick in your trousers!
Impress your lassie with your new huge schlong!
Make all ladies worship your male package!
The shortest way to a woman’s heart is a longest dic’k!

Medical endorsements
Doctors secretly recommend you this store
Recommended by the best medical industry professionals!

There, there, it’s all right…
Your dic’k size will never arouse a derision!
Forget about mockery at your pen!s size!
Forget about the trouble with your instrument.
You don’t need to envy guys with larger equipments anymore
Dont feel shy of your male instrument size.

Kind of mean or bossy
Prove that you’re not a loser!
Don’t be loser change your male aggregate size
Grow your pen!s up to the necessary size!
Our offer is worth your attention!
Your woman shack up with your mate that’s why you are alone.
Your woman doesn’t admire to do it with you by reason of your male device size.

Happiness and envy
Your friends will envy your new male package!
Few additional inches will make you happier!
Some more inches for your enjoyment!
Get the biggest s’e)x organ in the neighborhood!

The Holiday Season (or perhaps the gift that keeps on giving…)
Real new year present for your willy!
We’ll help you to catch the eye of all women in 2008!
Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008!
Forget all your failures! Become a real man in 2008!
Don’t lose this game! Get real hung in year 2008!
Get super-size for your willy on New Year holiday!
Your dik will never be laughed at in year 2008!
Become a super-man in year 2008!
Pen!s enlargement costs less on New Year!
Venture to become a super-lover in 2008!
Your huge boner will impress her in New Year!
Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!

Randomly amusing
Have you increased your male aggregate?
Small male aggregate is not a problem
New scientific development for your love wand!
Your new schlong will win more prizes!
Do wilder things with your new big phallus!
Gain the greatest Schlong ever!
Magic transformations of your willy
Give your willy a chance to serve you better!

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So, apparently Florida leads the nation in murder-suicides. Why don't
we excel in things that don't suck?…

Sent from my iPhone

So writing about Springtime Tallahassee the other day got me thinking about when I used to live on the parade route (as I mentioned). I was down by the Governor’s pad (occupied by Jeb in those days) as well as a bunch of other interesting stuff.

This is really the very very beginning of the parade route. It actually acts sort of as the staging area, because there are several streets that all converge there, which I suppose makes it easier to line-up all the floats and marching bands and Shriners in tiny cars and what not. As you can see on the map, they can line the paradees down Monroe and Thomasville and 1st Ave. and then merge them all together as the parade starts.

[An aside: to get the map I typed in my old address, which is were the green arrow claims to be pointing. That's actually The Grove (yeah, I wish I lived there). I was next door...move the arrow half an inch to the right and you've got it.]

At any rate, as you might imagine, staging begins much earlier than the parade proper… as you have to line everyone up and give people time to stick all the stuff back their floats that fell off while they were driving it over to the parade, and generally wrangle the unruly in to some semblance of a line. So for me, on a parade Saturday there was not really any sleeping in. In various years I was awakened at an earlier than ideal hour by a variety of things:

• police cars politely hitting their sirens to encourage motorists to move along as they set up barricades to block the streets (barricades that also effectively trapped me at home for the day, I might add)
• marching band members warming up and tuning their instruments in the front yard
• local radio zany-morning-crew-type guys testing out the sound system on their float by blasting “Funkytown” over and over
  
• High school ROTC calling cadence and marching up and down in front of the house
• Confederate soldiers on horseback hanging out across the street. Witness the view out the window on these pics I dug up:

But, all things considered, I didn’t mind the parade so much. It was only one day a year. (Actually, 2 days…the Winter Fest parade also caused all the streets to be blocked off. But since it was at night, it usually caused me to be trapped out of the house rather than in…) It was nice to not have to drive or park, just walk out the front door and have a seat on the grass. Also, parades are much more enjoyable when you have easy access to all the comforts of home like beer and snacks and your own bathroom…

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I really like nouns that are also verbs, as illustrated in the sentence I just said to our receptionist whilst giving her my netflix envelope and letter for the postman: “I forgot to mail my mail this morning.”

Ok, so I just read this article about the problems they’re having with the Olympic torch relay, which is currently passing through London and Paris. Apparently the theme of the relay is “Journey of Harmony”, which doesn’t really seem to be the case, what with the protesters trying to snatch it away and douse it with fire extinguishers and what not. To wit:

Only weather has previously succeeded in snuffing out the Olympic flame, just twice in its history. Today French officials managed it three times. continued…

My favorite part of the whole escapade is the security plan devised by the Paris police:

The plan was for the torchbearers to be encircled by several hundred officers, some in riot police vehicles and on motorcycles, others on rollerblades and on foot. Closest to the torchbearer would be the Chinese torch escorts, with Paris police on rollerblades moving around them. French firefighters in jogging shoes would encircle the rollerbladers, while motorcycle police would form the outer layer of security.

I love the sound of this plan, and I think police on rollerblades is an idea that should be deployed much more often…

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Here’s a chop stick wrapper I got the other day:

Allow me to call your attention to the prose:

Click to enlarge

The translators did much better on the instructions on the flipside.

Click to enlarge

But, when I went back to that restaurant recently, they seem to have switched brands, offering these clearly inferior picture only instructions which are unclear at best and also no fun. Sigh…

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So on NPR this morning, there was this story, the gist of which is that due to the increasing animosity and mudslinging between the Barack/Hillary camps:

Recent polling shows that almost 30 percent of Clinton supporters and nearly 20 percent of Obama supporters say that if their preferred candidate doesn’t win the nomination, they’ll vote Republican.

So, I repeat…Are You KIDDING Me? What is wrong with you people? Talk about cutting off you nose to spite your face.

“Hillary is being mean” “Barack’s preacher is racist” Yeah, vote for McCain, that’ll show ‘em.

4 more years of republican “leadership” is a small price to pay for the smiting of your enemies. Shortsighted vindictiveness…definitely the way to go.

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